Dialogue is a Must

August 09, 2004

Dialogue: You must have a two way conversation

Questions are ideal for getting conversations going and obtaining information. A good technique is to end whatever you’re saying with a question. “Right now you’re carrying a little baby that will probably look like you when she grows up. Her heart is beating and her nervous system is fully developed. This means she will feel terrible pain if you go through with this. “Why do you feel you can’t have the baby?”

Be direct with your questions
“Are you scheduled to have an abortion?”
“Why do you want to put the baby out of your life?”
“Why do you feel you can’t have the baby?”
“Did they put the laminaria in you?”
“How does your husband/boyfriend feel about this?”

Persistence is necessary
Perseverance will pay of in more saved babies. Keep at it. If you counsel as part of a group one of you can be stationed at the door of the mill while the other goes forward to meet the mother. Sometimes the counselor at the door is successful in getting the mother to stop and talk or accept pro-life literature because the first counselor has worn her down.

Building rapport
Sometimes revealing information about yourself can establish rapport with the mother. “Yes, I’m a mother myself and I know how difficult children can be, but it’s worth it. What else do we have after all except our families?” Or if you can say it truthfully, “I had an abortion myself once and the pain of it is still with me. I don’t want you to make the same mistake I did.

Your objectives in the dialogue
Get information.
Find out what her problem is.
Show her a way to keep the baby.
Get her to do something positive:

Go away with you for coffee and quiet conversation.
Have a pregnancy test
Schedule a prenatal exam
Resolve to tell her parents what is going on
Read the pro-life literature
Put the abortion off and get more information.
Go with you to the crisis pregnancy center

When she chooses life, reassure her that she did the right thing
Be sure to get her telephone number for follow up.

Team counseling as a couple
Two counselors working together can be very effective. It is also good for morale. The counseling pair can be a man and woman or two women working together. It works best when one of them takes the lead and the other plays a supporting role. Team counseling is an ideal way to break in a beginning sidewalk counselor.

Whatever you do, don’t both talk at once. While one counselor is speaking the other should be watching for reactions to what her team-mate is saying. One looks for non verbal clues to the mother’s mind set.

Based on these observations you decide what to do and cut in when you think it’s right to do so. A question about the mother’s response to what your team mate said is good since it elicits information and shows you’ve been listening. However, if your team mate is doing well and the mother is responding, keep quiet and just nod your head.

If your team mate is running out of things to say or just getting tired and you feel you have a better line to take then jump in. Try to be sensitive to the rhythm of the way it’s going. Reinforce the good rhythms and change the bad rhythms to good ones.

If you are part of a man-woman counseling team and you are dealing with an aborting couple try to arrange it so that the man on your team talks to the boy friend of the aborting couple and the woman talks to the mother. Since the most likely case is that the boy friend is controlling the abortion decision this tactic will give you some time alone with her apart from his influence. At the same time you are talking to the mother your male friend will be trying to instill some sense of responsibility into the boy friend.

Defusing anger
People who come to abortion mills to have their children killed can be very confused and upset. One of the raw emotions you will encounter is anger. Often this anger is directed at you. If this happens immediately lower your voice and speak softly and gently and keep smiling. Do not disagree with the angry person. This will only make him angrier.

Sometimes if you understand the reason for the anger you can still move forward and save the baby. A common case is that of an angry boy friend. He may want the baby, but his girl friend does not. Society tells him it’s none of his business so he feels helpless and angry. To show him that you understand his problem is to win him over and begin a dialogue.

Don’ts
Don’t talk aimlessly. Talk with a purpose. Know where you are going. Some people are tricky. They’ll talk to you but try to get you involved in abstract debates about abortion or politics. Don’t let them evade the issue. Keep bringing them back to the reality of what they are doing with questions and your constant offers of help.

Do’s
Try to get as much information as possible about her situation.
Think and plan the next action step while you are talking.
When you feel the timing is right ask her to do something positive.

By Jerome R. Lackner Sidewalk Counselor's Page Posted: August 9, 2004 01:25 PM