The Dangers of Dating: Scriptural Romance - Part 1

January 1, 2005

Written by Jonathan Lindvall

The subject of romance is one of the most captivating topics dealt with by human beings. From childhood relationships between boys and girls was one of my fascinations. Later, when something like "Dating" was the announce theme for a youth meeting, I was quite motivated to attend--quite attentively. Even as an adult I still find the issue of relationships between men and women to be intriguing. I've even noticed that older people--grandparents--seem to enjoy my presentations about Scriptural patterns for romance.

Why is romance seemingly universally captivating? The scriptures indicate that God Himself created this interest. It seems that initially Adam had a total lack of awareness of his need for a wife. God was the one who evaluated the situation (Gen. 2:18) as, "It is not good for man to be alone." We don't have a hint of Adam complaining of loneliness. Poor Adam apparently didn't even know he had a need. How was God going to stir up a desire for a "helper comparable to him?"

The Genesis 2:19-20 creation account implies that God used a tactic many parents through the ages have emulated in allowing their children to learn the basic facts of pro-creation by observing animals. God set Adam to work studying a new creation. "Out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the air, and brought them to Adam to see what he would call them. And whatever Adam called each living creature, that was its name. So Adam gave names to all cattle, to the birds of the air, and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper comparable to him."

Now obviously God didn't intend for Adam to find a wife among the animals. What could that last line mean? As Adam was studying and naming all the animals, he must have begun to notice a startling pattern. There were two of each kind of beast and bird! Slowly it must have dawned on him that he alone of all God's creatures lacked a mate. I can imagine God's pleasure at watching the realization dawn upon Adam that in fact "It is not good for man to be alone" as God had said, and he was quite alone.

But now that Adam realized his need, what should he do? Could he still trust God? What was the Lord's requirement of Adam now that this first God-ordained dissatisfaction had arisen? The Lord wanted Adam to rely on Him for miraculous provision. He made Adam relax and go to sleep!

It is God's design that most young people marry and raise up "godly seed" (Mal. 2:15). Thus at a point in their youth he stirs up their interest in members of the opposite sex. In the face of this new interest, what does God want Christian young people to do? Go to sleep emotionally! This is one of the earliest and most practical applications of the discipleship mandate (Luke 9:23-24) in the lives of most young people. "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will save it."

Throughout our lives we find that only when we surrender to God and rest in His agenda do we experience His perfect design. We must die to ourselves and our natural inclination to fulfill our dreams in our own strength. This self-denial is nowhere more critical than in the area of romance.

While recognizing that God's normative pattern is for most young men and women to marry, Christian young people are called to surrender to the distinct possibility God would call them to remain single all their lives. I have heard countless testimonies from married Christians whose experience is that it was only after they surrendered their desire for romance and "went to sleep" emotionally, that God brought them together with their mate. The only way to resurrection is through death.

The Broken-Heart Syndrome
But contemporary American dating practices preclude such emotional self-denial. The essence of dating is flirting. Dating is recreational romance in which each party intentionally endeavors to cultivate the other's desire, while recognizing the relationship is most likely temporary.

Even in the church today most cannot imagine proceeding from singleness to marriage without the institutional flirting of dating. Most Christians have assumed that it is normal and healthy for young people to experience several dating relationships prior to selecting a spouse. These recreational romances are assumed to be emotional preparation for marriage.

Let's ponder this assumption, though. Are temporary romantic relationships really God's ideal? As a young couple become romantically involved with one another they begin to bond emotionally. They increasingly share their hearts with one another. Their thoughts and imaginations are focused on their partner. They begin the God-designed process of becoming "one" even if there is virtually no physical relationship. They become one heart long before they become "one flesh."

They both understand, however, that the dating relationship does not involve any permanent commitments and that either party is free to break up the romance at any time, for any reason. They likely both dread the prospect of breaking up and hope that perhaps this is the relationship that will stick. In most cases, however, even Christian young people proceed through a number of serial romances before their marriage.

So in breaking up these two hearts that have begun bonding are ripped apart. They each leave the relationship with at least some degree of heart-break. They might either display varying degrees of emotional devastation or simply toughen their feelings. Either way they leave the relationship emotionally wounded or scarred.

But soon the pain of breaking up is forgotten as they develop a new romance with a different partner. In time, however, this relationship results in another heart-break and more emotional wounds that leave scars. Over a period of several years a young person will experience a number of such emotional bonds being severed. Some of the romances are serious and others admittedly so casual that breaking up is hardly painful at all. Yet the cumulative effect is that the young people's hearts are becoming increasingly calloused.

Some young people respond to this sequence by developing strategies to play the game in such a way as to always be the heart-breaker rather than the heart-broken. Even for Christian youth such flirtatious manipulation of others' emotions sometimes becomes a source of increasing arrogance with each conquest.

Finally the young person finds the one they will eventually marry. But the memories of past romances, the pattern of jilting partners when they lose their initial intense appeal or to avoid being vulnerable to being left oneself, the insecurity from fear of being dropped again, and the callouses cultivated to protect from further pain all become barriers to emotional (and later physical) unity. Yet we still insist that dating is somehow healthy preparation for marriage. Isn't such emotional promiscuity more likely preparation for divorce than for marriage?

Scriptural Perspective on Emotional Purity
Paul addressed this very issue in 1 Thessalonians 4. In verse three he gives us the context by writing, "For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality." In other words moral purity will require "sanctification." Sanctification and holiness mean being set apart, separate, unique, distinct. God wants His people to be different. In the next two verses he continues with this theme that we should "know how to possess" (Greek ktaomai = acquire) our "vessel in sanctification and honor" in a manner that is noted to not be "like the Gentiles who do not know God." (The Greek word for "vessel" above is the same as the that used in 1 Peter 3:7 to refer to the wife as the "weaker vessel.")

Apparently the structures and strategies we Christians use to acquire a spouse are supposed to be markedly different from those used by non-believers ("Gentiles who do not know God"). Are our romance patterns in the church different from those of the world? I'm afraid they are quite similar. Our culture's pattern is this dating scenario and the church has come to accept this as normal. Dating isn't even a long-standing tradition, having been develop within this century. But the really critical question is "Is it scriptural?"

In verse 5 Paul clarifies that our acquisition of a spouse is to be "not in passion of lust (desire)." This is apparently to be the marked difference between the way of the ungodly and those who are living holy lives. Was Paul really saying passion and desire should not be involved in the decisions regarding marriage?

Over the last several centuries since the era of the Romantic philosophers like Jean Jacques Rousseau and others, a subtle shift in assumptions has impacted Christians' as well as the world's views of romance. These men proposed that rather than base our lives on reason, we would be better served by allowing our emotions to direct us. This philosophy came to be called Romanticism, and gradually impacted all of culture: art, music, drama, literature, architecture, and, of course, family relations--especially those between men and women.

Previously decisions regarding if, when, and who to marry were based on such factors as wealth, status, political connections, or, for spiritually discerning Christians, God's will. It was not unheard of for a couple to marry based on emotional attraction, especially among the upper classes, but it was certainly not the norm.

In the last several centuries, though, Western Culture has gradually embraced romance as a basis for marriage. To even question this notion raises the horrifying spectre of loveless marriages of convenience which are endured for the sake of propriety. Visions of "Fiddler on the Roof" and the song "Do you love me?" seem absurd to us.

Before we confront the romantic assumptions, let's address this question of loveless arranged marriages. If a married couple finds the passion of their romance to be dimming, is that an indication that their marriage is over? Without for a moment exalting loveless marriages imposed on young people against their will, let's consider their benefits in cultures where romance is considered irrelevant to marriage. In fact, in such cultures there seems to be less social disintegration stemming from divorce and even an enviable sort of peace and happiness based on the security of stable family relationships. Furthermore, reportedly a sincere affection eventually is recognized in most of these arranged marriages.

The scriptures clearly teach, however, that love is not only recommended, but required in marriage. Husbands are commanded to love their wives (Eph. 5:25; Col. 3:19). In Titus 2:4 Paul directs his young protege to exhort the older women to teach the younger women to love their husbands. God designed marriage to be a loving union. But does this mean He meant for decisions regarding marriage to based on love?

Today we believe young people should marry the one they love. Does the scripture ever support such a notion? The Bible teaches us to love the one you marry. Aren't these the same?

God never intended our emotions to lead us. Emotions are a wonderful blessing but they can be extremely fickle. We can easily be deceived by our feelings. This does not deny their delight, or imply they are to be avoided. God wants us to experience intense emotions, we are simply not to allow those emotions to dominate us. Rather than leading us, our emotions are to follow us.

Paul commanded us to "Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say rejoice" (Phil 4:4). But what if I don't feel joyful? Rejoice anyway! As we obey the command from our will, even when we don't feel joyful, the emotions of joy generally begin to appear unexplainably. The emotions follow us rather than leading us.

Similarly, Paul told the Colossians (3:14) to "put on love." But isn't it hypocritical to act lovingly when I don't feel love? No! It is an act of sincere obedience! The wonderful result, though, is that when I will to love unlovely people, my emotions begin to come into line and I find I am beginning to feel true affection toward them.

I have occasionally dealt with men who assumed they should divorce their wives because they no longer loved them. What would you say to such a man? What does the Bible say? "Love your wife!" A man would argue, "But you don't understand, I don't love her anymore." The Biblical response is, "Shame on you! Love her anyway." But people in our culture have a hard time imagining how you can, from you will, command your emotions.

If a couple marries based on love, what happens when the passion of romance settles down and they get used to each other--less distracted by their emotions? Today the epidemic of divorce is affecting even Christian marriages because we are led by our feelings. This pattern is set early on during young people's dating experiences. What if our marriage decisions were based entirely on God's will confirmed by our authorities, with a confidence that God would bring romance to us as a blessing on our obedience?

In the scripture we are considering (1 Thes. 4) Paul comes directly to the point in verse 6: " that no one should go beyond and defraud his brother in this matter" of acquiring a spouse. Clearly we must all, whether single or married, commit themselves to scripturally-based limitations of pre-marital or extra-marital physical intimacy (like 1 Cor. 7:1, "touch not"). The scripture nowhere gives license to single people to hold a different standard than married people. Whatever is wrong for me to do with your wife is wrong for my son to do with your daughter.

Clearly there is a line that "no one should go beyond" outside of marriage to uphold moral purity in physical relationships. But is there similarly a line regarding emotional purity? What did Paul mean when he warned each not to "defraud his brother in this matter?" What is defrauding?

Fraud involves deceiving or misleading someone. In business defrauding is cheating-- leading someone to expect certain benefits and then, after they have begun limiting other opportunities based on this expectation, backing out of the deal. Defrauding is inciting in someone else a desire that you are unable or unwilling to fulfill. Does this ever happen in romantic relationships? Isn't that what flirting is?

Apparently Paul here was saying, "Don't cross the line physically and don't even flirt with their emotions!" God calls us to both physical purity and emotional purity.

When should a couple fall in love? Should they flirtatiously incite each other's emotions through dating to see if the chemistry is right? This makes defrauding very likely. Is it possible that God's best would be for young people to save themselves for the one they will marry not just physically, but emotionally as well? The scriptural design of irrevocable betrothal provides us with a structure for releasing emotions with virtually no possibility of defrauding. Betrothal allows a couple to fall in love before the marriage but after the commitment has been made. In Part Two of this article we will explore this scriptural ideal for youthful romance. But let me conclude this part with a brief testimony.

Personal Testimony
As I write this my wife Connie and I are just a couple of weeks from our twentieth wedding anniversary. By God's grace our story illustrates this principle of emotional self-denial. Our marriage is incredibly romantic, but it is not based on love. Our marriage is founded in God's will.

When I was 19 years old I came to the conclusion that dating was unscriptural. I was the youth minister in a church my father was pastoring at the time, and persuaded my youth group to join me in repenting of our previous practices of emotional promiscuity.

I proposed a pattern I called courtship. In this structure young people would only become involved with one another romantically if they had the full blessing of both sets of parents, they were old enough to marry, and they were seriously contemplating marriage. Although I was unaware, at the time, of how courtship, as I defined it, still failed to measure up to scriptural patterns, I am grateful that I publicly committed myself to this practice. This spared me much potential heartache. (In the second part of this article I will discuss the unscriptural flaws of courtship and why it does not go far enough.)

After several years of publicly promoting courtship I became interested in marrying a wonderful Christian young lady. After much prayer I approached my parents for their blessing. To my dismay they refused, insisting that while she would make a perfect godly wife for someone else, they were convinced she was not the one God would have me marry. I persisted in seeking their blessing, going to them repeatedly over a period of many months. I am now so grateful for their courage in withstanding my pressure as their answer remained steadfast.

A couple of times they suggested that I pray about marrying Connie, but I wasn't interested. And I could tell Connie was not interested me--the boisterous pushy youth pastor. Finally I determined to "die" to the vision of marrying the young lady I was interested in, expecting God to resurrect my hopes miraculously. Instead, my father asked me to pray about marrying Connie. We prayed together about this until I became convinced he believed I was to marry her.

Finally I concluded Connie was God's will for me, but I wasn't in love with her. Still, with my parents' blessing I visited her parents and asked their permission to marry her. I had to explain that we had never gone on a date, I had no idea of Connie's interest, and that Connie was completely unaware of my interest. They thought my approach was a bit strange, but they seemed to like the fact that I was honoring them and committed to avoiding defrauding Connie. I began to get a bit excited when they gave their blessing.

The next step was finding a way to break the news to Connie. With my father's help I arranged to take Connie on a date without her knowing it. As we sat in the restaurant I informed her that I had asked her parents' permission to marry her. She was shocked! She asked, "What did they say?" When I told her they had given their blessing her response was, "Do I have to?" I hastily clarified that she had the final say in the matter.

It took God four months to make His will clear to Connie. She insisted that she was not going to be pressured into this. Finally, when we became engaged, although there was certainly a measure of excitement, neither of us could honestly say we were in love. But we knew this was God's will and we were confident the romance would come. And you know, it did! Our marriage is one of the most romantic marriages I know of, but it is not based on love. It is based on God's will and the emotions follow rather than lead our obedience.

Posted: January 1, 2005 9:29 PM