GOD’S PLAN FOR FINDING A MATE - PART II -
January 01, 2005
A Biblical Alternative To Dating
By Dr. S.M. Davis
WARNING: Some parts of this article may not be suitable for some of our younger readers. Please consult with your parents before reading! - Ed.
Awhile back I shared the problems with dating with a friend. We were limited on time and ran out of time before I could give any solutions. With a tone of desperation in his voice, he said, “What do we do? Tell us what to do!”
In the past few years many good, Godly people have come to practice what is called “Courting.” Courting is a custom much closer to Biblical truth, and the term itself is a much purer term than “dating.” The Encyclopedia International states that “the words ‘courtly,’ ‘courteous,’ and ‘courtship’ derive from the elegant and formalized manners so typical of the medieval courts of Europe. During the later medieval period, particularly in the 12th Century, romantic love flourished under the codes of chivalry.” {You may wish to note in passing that the term “Courting” is about eight hundred years old.}
Let me tell you how I define Courting. COURTING is a young man seeing a young lady in whom he is interested and then spending time with her with her Father’s approval and guidance.
You notice immediately that Courting is much better and much safer than dating. In fact, if sufficient Biblical principles are integrated into Courting, it may serve very adequately as a vehicle to take a couple safely to the marriage alter.
There is a term that I still greatly prefer over either “dating” or “courting.” This term occurs 13 times in the Bible. Its synonym occurs 5 times. I prefer this term, not only because it is a Biblical term, but also because it is established on the very solid foundation of the Biblical pattern of salvation itself.
I introduce you to the term “Betrothing.”
BETROTHING is a secure, public relationship, sought by a young man, responded to by a young lady, and supervised and approved by their parents.
The practice of Betrothing also requires a Pre-Betrothing relationship.
PRE-BETROTHING is a time when a mature man and woman seek to determine, with their Parents’ guidance, God’s will for their lives in relation to each other.
The English word “betroth” breaks down into two words. “Be” - to cause to come to pass; and “troth” - the trust of marriage.
Now I obviously prefer the term “Betrothing,” but you can call this anything you wish. The key thing is that certain Biblical principles not be ignored.
The two critical non-negotiables in order for a couple to get safely and properly to the marriage altar are:
1 - Heavy parental {or other authority figure} involvement.
2 - A couple not spending time totally alone.
Now the ultimate question for every Christian is: What does the Bible say? Which of these three choices as I’ve given them to you is most in line with Scriptural evidence?
I want you to join me now in a trip through the Bible beginning with Genesis chapter 2 and let’s examine what God says.
In Genesis 2:18 God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make an help meet for him.” Notice that God said “I will make an help-meet,” not, “I will make a dozen girls and let Adam choose.”
Then in verse 22 God made Eve and brought her to Adam. When you see a wedding and a father brings the bride down the aisle, that picture is drawn from this passage as God, like a Father, brought this lady to the man.
Genesis chapter 24, the whole chapter, is somewhat of a commentary on that which we’re discussing. Here Abraham sends his servant Eliezer to find a bride for his son Isaac. The servant prays and asks the Lord to direct him and comes upon this spot where a lady is at a well. Eliezer asks God to give him a sign about this and the Lord does.
This damsel by the name of Rebekah showed tremendous character and diligence and initiative and responsibility by taking it upon herself to water this man’s camels. That would have been a huge job— walking down the steps to the area where the water was, filling a heavy jug and then bringing it back out. Those camels probably hadn’t had anything to drink for many days. She would have made at least 10 and maybe as many as 30 or 40 trips down in that well, carrying out those jugs of water.
Later Eliezer went to Rebekah’s house and told how the Lord had directed him. Look at verse 48: "I bowed down my head and worshipped the Lord, and blessed the Lord God of my master Abraham, which had led me in the right way to take my master’s brother’s daughter unto his son."
People say to me all the time, “How can this work out?” And I say, “The Lord will lead you.” Did you know THE LORD REALLY WILL LEAD YOU in this area?!
Verse 50 says, "Then Laban and Bethuel answered and said, the thing proceedeth from the Lord: we cannot speak unto thee bad or good." In other words, “Our opinion really doesn’t matter.” I remember when I found the two mates for my two daughters.
I remember sitting at a Valentine Banquet with my wife and both of my future son-in-laws and my two daughters and all at once it overwhelmed me.
Chills went up and down my spine as I thought, "God’s really done this! God has really sent us these girls’ mates! This is phenomenal!"
Verse 58. "And they called Rebekah, and said unto her, wilt thou go with this man? And she said, I will go." Notice that we are not by any stretch of the imagination talking about a girl or a guy marrying someone thy don’t want to marry. No parent who has their child’s heart would dream of asking their child to marry someone they didn’t want to marry.
Verse 67 says. "And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death."
Chapter 26:34 & 35 gives us an example from the opposite direction: "And Esau was forty years old when he took to wife Judith the daughter of Beeri the Hittite, and Bashemath the daughter of Elon the Hittite: Which were a grief of mind unto Isaac and Rebekah."
Esau, a picture of a carnal man, did the seeking for a wife by himself, and those that he found were a grief to his parents. It is like God is saying to us early in the Scriptures: “If children don’t have their parents’ direction then they are going to bring heartbreak to their parents’ lives.”
Chapter 28:1 & 2 says, “And Isaac called Jacob, and blessed him, and charged him, and said unto him, Thou shalt not take a wife of the daughters of Canaan. Arise, go to Padanaram, to the house of Bethuel thy mother’s father; and take thee a wife from thence of the daughters of Laban thy mother’s brother.”
Now what do you see here? You see a man who had his father’s permission, but he didn’t have his father’s continued direction and help as he sought his mate. Do you remember the story? Do you remember all the complications and all the problems Jacob ran into because his father was not there to help him get through it? Jacob may have worked 14 years before he got the one that he felt was the right one.
Genesis 38:6 tells us, "and Judah took a wife for Er, his first-born, whose name was Tamar." Notice again the involvement of a father.
Exodus 22 has the first occurrence of the key Hebrew word, “aras,” which is translated “betroth” 9 times and “espouse” 1 time in the Old Testament.
Exodus 22:16 & 17 says, "And if a man entice a maid that is not betrothed, and lie with her, he shall surely endow her to be his wife. If her father utterly refuse to give her unto him, her shall pay money according to the dowry of virgins."
Notice the concept of the dowry here. In that day, if a man lay with a girl, and he wasn’t married to her, he had to pay her father something like the equivalent of $400 to $500. (Every time I read this verse I think what a great idea it would be for some legislature to pass a law like this to slow down the teenage pregnancy rate!)
Turn to Deuteronomy 20:7. Here is what I believe is the key Old Testament verse that describes betrothing. "And what man is there that hath betrothed a wife, and hath not taken her?" Notice that a commitment is there, but they are not actually yet living together as husband and wife. "Let him go and return unto his house, lest he die in the battle, and another man take her." Now this is the second time that the Hebrew word “aras” occurs.
The other times that it occurs, just for your information, are: Deut. 22:23,25,27, & 28; Deut. 28:30; II Sam. 3:14; and in Hosea 2:19 it occurs twice.
Now turn to Judges 14. There are people who say that Samson was guilty of dating. But I submit to you that he was not. In verse 1 Samson saw a woman that he liked. In verse 2 he came and told his father and his mother and asked them to get her for him to be his wife. Even Samson knew that he had to get his parents’ help to get a wife. The problem here is that Samson is leading his parents instead of seeking his parents’ counsel and direction.
Turn to II Chronicles 24 and you’ll see that in the absence of a father, the Priest Jehoiada helped find a wife for Joash, the king. Why? Apparently because kings don’t have enough sense to choose their own mates without some help! In II Chronicles 24:2 and 3 we read, "And Joash did that which was right in the sight of the Lord all the days of Jehoidada the Priest. And Jehoiada took for him two wives; and he begat sons and daughters." Israel had become perverted in the number of wives, but not in the way to get a wife.
Matthew 22:1 & 2. “And Jesus answered and spake unto them again by parables, and said, The kingdom of Heaven is like unto a certain king, which made a marriage for his son.” Notice that the king as a father is in charge of the marriage for his son.
This concept is also found in Paul’s Epistles in I Corinthians 7:38. "He that giveth her [his virgin daughter] in marriage doeth well." What is the concept here? The concept is that the father is the one in charge. The verse concludes: "but he that giveth her not in marriage doeth better."
Now look at II Corinthians 11. Paul is still building upon these already well established Old Testament customs and principles as he says in verse 2, "For I am jealous over you with godly jealousy: for I have espoused you to one husband," [remember that espoused and betrothed are synonyms] "that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ."
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WHAT IS BETROTHING?
WHY IS BETROTHING BETTER?
1 - Betrothing is a relationship based on an Ideal Biblical Pattern. Please get those 3 key words. Betrothing is a relationship based on an IDEAL BIBLICAL PATTERN.
Let me stop and talk about all 3 of those words.
First of all it is an IDEAL Biblical pattern. Are there other patterns in the Scriptures? Yes there are. There’s a pattern for divorce in the Scriptures. Is that ideal? No. There’s a pattern in the Scripture for polygamy. Is that ideal? Polygamy is never presented as something ideal.
But Betrothing is an IDEAL pattern. Why? Because the entire story of Salvation itself is built upon this pattern. Did you know that what I’m about to share with you will expand and clarify your understanding of what happened the day you were saved, as well as what is happening right now as a continuing result of that experience? How many of you like salvation? Then you’re also going to like Betrothing or Espousing! Here it is:
{1} The heavenly father and the Son together chose the bride for the Son - Eph.1:4
{2} The Son of God was sent to win His bride - Luke 19:10, “The Son of man was sent to seek and to save that which was lost.” So the Son of man, Jesus, came to win His bride, the church.
{3} The Son was continually in communication with His Father as He sought His bride - John 5:30.
{4} Jesus paid the greatest dowry in history. 1Peter 1:18a & 19a says, “Forasmuch as ye know that ye were not redeemed with corruptible things, as silver and gold... but with the precious blood of Christ.” Jesus paid the greatest price in history to win His bride.
{5} The bride has the opportunity to accept or reject the Groom. Of course the fact that we accept the Groom makes us the bride. Of course the fact that we accept the Groom makes us the bride. The day that we accept the Lord as Savior we enter the Betrothing relationship.
{6} At this point, He has given His love to us and we are coming to know Him better and growing to love Him more every single day.
Note here in passing that the Betrothing Relationship is ideally a permanent relationship.
{7} We cannot yet touch Him, but we will!
{8} Our marriage to Him will take place in the future AFTER the rapture. The Bible is very clear here. Our marriage has not yet taken place. Revelation 19 says, “After these things I heard a great voice of much people in Heaven, saying... ‘Let us be glad and rejoice, and give honour to Him: for the marriage of the Lamb is come, and His wife hath made herself ready.’” Here is found also the concept of the white wedding gown: “And to her was granted that she should be arrayed in fine linen, clean and white.”
Now do you see why I am saying that this is an IDEAL Biblical Pattern? Can you think of anything more perfect than the pattern of salvation itself?
Think again here of my definition of Betrothing - A secure, public relationship, sought by a young man, responded to by a young lady, and supervised and approved by their parents.
The definition of Pre-Betrothing is analogous to God’s work in a person’s life BEFORE they are saved.
The pre-betrothing time is also a very critical and even somewhat dangerous time. Just as the time before salvation is a time when Satan works to bring confusion and deception, so we may also expect Satan to try to introduce confusion and deception into the pre-betrothing time.
The sooner we respond when God speaks to our heart, the better it is. So also, the pre-betrothing relationship is ideally not a long relationship. I remind you here again of my definition of Pre-Betrothing - “A time when a mature man and woman seek to determine, with their parents’ guidance, God's will for their lives in relation to each other.”
Then this is an ideal BIBLICAL Pattern. Without a Biblical Pattern, we are cast adrift to determine how best to do things without the compass of God’s Word to guide us. Even our Biblical principles work more beautifully when placed within the framework of a Biblical Pattern.
I want you to pause right here and think back over the definitions I gave you earlier of Dating, Courting, and Betrothing.
If you try to take Biblical principles and fit them into dating, it’s like trying to take a tropical plant and setting it outdoors in the middle of January in the state of Illinois. It won’t survive.
We’ve tried to talk about Christian Dating. We’ve tried to fit Biblical Principles into dating. The problem is that the whole concept of dating is so foreign to the Bible that it creates a hostile environment for Biblical Principles.
Courting, on the other hand, is like placing a tropical plant in a semi-tropical environment. It’ll still survive. It will still do alright.
With Betrothing we are able to put Biblical Principles into a Biblical Pattern. That’s like taking a tropical plant and setting it on an island on the equator. It’s going to thrive and do well because it’s in its own environment.
Now this is an Ideal Biblical PATTERN.
Notice the word “Pattern?” This is not a command. You don’t HAVE to do this. But I hope you’ll think twice before passing up the blessings that you and your family can experience by following the wisdom of God’s pattern.
2-What is Betrothing?
Betrothing is a pattern that gives a Practical and Spiritual approach to finding a mate.
Let’s get real practical for a little while. How do you really do what I’ve been talking about?
(1) Parents and Young People should make sure that they have each others’ hearts. That’s the number one thing. Picture again the heavenly Father and the Son knot together. Whatever was the Father’s will, that’s what the Son wanted to do.
(2) Children should be taught from the time they are very young that there is one other person in life for them — one other person in life for them physically, and one other person for them emotionally.
Where’s the example of this? Jesus didn’t date around or check out a dozen girlfriends. Jesus came for one specific bride.
How many people did God make for your son to marry? God made A bride. God made an Eve for Adam.
Wouldn’t it be great then if the only “boyfriend” your daughter ever had was her husband? And wouldn’t it be great if your son never kissed anyone but his wife? And if they never held hands or kissed until their wedding day, it would be a perfect picture of Christ and the Church!
Are there any married adults here who really feel good when you think of your mate having been in the arms of some other person? Ladies, when you think of your husband’s old girlfriend, and you think of them holding hands and kissing, does that really make you feel good? No it doesn’t. That alone should tell us something. We need to do something different with our children!
“Well,” you say, “somebody will make some mistakes.” Sure they will. We’re human beings. Somebody will think they found the one, and it’ll be a mistake and they’ll figure it out later. But it’s better to at least shoot for the right target than to shoot wildly with no target in mind at all! How many of you would feel better if you knew your mate had never been emotionally attached to anyone but you? Wouldn’t that be better? Amen?! Sure it would!
Let me tell you how to do this. Start with your children at home. Pull your little boy up to you and say, “Johnny, your Mom and I are married. We're in love. It is so special. Now Johnny, one of these days, if it’s God’s will for you to be married, then you and Dad together will find your mate for life. You won’t have a whole bunch of girlfriends. We’re going to start praying about this every day. And someday God will give you a girlfriend, and then you’ll marry her. Won’t that be wonderful Johnny?”
Do you know what he’s going to say? “Yaaaay!!”
Why do we have the other? Because that’s what we’ve taught all these years.
(3) Those not old enough to be married should concentrate on seeking God instead of seeking a girlfriend or a boyfriend.
Ecclesiastes 12:1— “Remember now thy Creator in the days of thy youth, while the evil days come not, nor the years draw nigh, when thou shalt say, I have no pleasure in them.” Remember your Creator while you’re in your youth instead of waiting until you’re old. Seek God. Grow in the Lord. Learn the Word of God. Develop character. Develop wisdom. Matthew 6:33 — “But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.”
“Now Johnny, we’re going to seek God. You’re going to develop character and wisdom. And one of these days, when God wants you to have a wife, He’ll bring her across our path. It’s going to be so wonderful Johnny! We’re going to have such a special testimony. Boy, it’s going to be great!”
You say, “But what about those times when the emotions seem determined to move toward one person or another?” Then teach your children that that is a signal from God for them to draw closer to God and closer to their parents. That’s a signal that they need to strengthen even more the commitment that there be only one other person.
(4) Children must be warned about breaking the Tenth Commandment -
"Thou shalt not covet." Teach your children to watch their hearts for covetousness before and after marriage.
The tenth commandment doesn’t just apply to things. It also applies to people. “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife.” How many men covet their neighbor’s wife? Imagine the devastation if all of our young people were breaking Commandment #7 - “Thou shalt not commit adultery.”! Yet many young people regularly break Commandment #10, and we think it normal.
What is Coveting? It is wanting someone God does not want me to have. Is it possible to covet before marriage? That’s what we have with the boyfriend/girlfriend game. We have covetousness taking place all around us. And then we wonder why do we have it after marriage. Because that’s what we’re doing before marriage.
(5) Young People should be friendly towards everyone.
The youth in my church have been telling me that they’ve found a real freedom to be friendly with everybody since everyone isn’t constantly trying to pair off.
I want to tell you something. When Johnny likes Susie, it’s hard for David to even talk to Susie without Johnny getting jealous. Now if everybody understands that we’re waiting until we find THE ONE, and we’re friendly towards everybody til then, then lots of conflicts are solved before they ever get started.
In Timothy 5:2 Paul told Timothy to treat the younger women “as sisters, with all purity.” ALL purity. That means no hand holding, no kissing, no necking, and no petting. You wouldn’t do that with your sister would you? Not unless you’re perverted!
(6) Parents and Children should discuss together the character, personality, and commitment of other young people.
My girls and I do this all the time. I have a daughter who is sixteen and a daughter who is fourteen, and they know they are welcome at any time to discuss any young men they see. We are in other churches a lot. After the church service is over, we’ll be riding back in the car and I’ll hear, “Dad, did you see that young man? Do you know what I noticed about him? He was really respectful toward his Mom. I saw him open his Mom’s car door.” “Dad, I saw a young man taking notes while the Preacher preached tonight. That really impressed me.”
We discuss character. My girls have said to me, “Dad, does that young man have the kind of character that you’re going to be looking for in the person who’s going to be my mate?” And I’ll answer back, “That’s it! You’ve got it!” And then we discuss different personalities and how different personalities interact with one another. We discuss the degree of commitment we see in others. We discuss the level of spiritual maturity: “Dad, did you notice that that fourteen year old boy was called on by his Pastor to pray? He prayed like a man would pray! He wasn’t ashamed of the Lord, and he didn’t seem to care what anybody thought about him.”
(7) Girls should not seek a mate at all. Amen!
Who did the seeking, Christ or the Church? The pattern is clear. Christ came to seek us. We become aware that He is seeking us, and we respond to Him. I know we say sometimes that we seek God, but technically speaking He seeks us.
The girl should learn to be the responder, not the aggressor. There’s something wrong with a girl who is the aggressor.
This also limits active and passive flirting. What do I mean? I’m talking about the way some girls will act or dress in such a way as to try to trap a fellow.
Active flirting is the use of the eyes, the walk, the actions, or the movements of the body to try to attract lustful male attention. Flirting is really a form of flattery. The strange woman of Proverbs 7 used flattery. FLATTERY IS A NET SPREAD FOR YOUR FEET. {Pro. 29:5}
Then there is passive flirting. Those are the things a girl does to herself to call attention to herself — excessive makeup, gaudy makeup, gaudy rings and necklaces and earrings, certain clothes (or the lack of them), and fabulous, wild hairdos. I’ve seen some ladies who looked like they had an eagle’s nest on top of their head!
Do you recall that in Genesis 24 Rebekah was the object of someone’s concern. But she apparently wasn’t aware of it or worried about it at all. She sat back and waited and developed her own character and when the time came, God worked things out. That’s what a girl ought to do. She ought to develop her own character and let God work things out.
Let’s say it like this: A girl should be more concerned about who SHE is than who HE is. And she should be careful that her countenance, her demeanor, her walk, her talk, and her smile portray Godliness and character and not the flirtatious attitude that says, “I’m available if you’re interested.” Amen.
(8) Boys should not seek until they’re old enough and mature enough for marriage.
The key here is that the father of the young man recognizes that his son is ready to give a bride a secure relationship. That’s what Jesus does for us in salvation. And that’s the picture of the betrothing relationship.
(9) A young man should be willing to pay the price to get his bride.
You say, “How much should I charge?” Well, to be perfectly honest with you, I’m not sure there’s ever been enough money to buy one of my girls! So we’re not necessarily talking about money here.
We come back again to the example of Christ and the Church. Jesus lived for, served, and died for His bride. In like manner, a young man should work through a young lady’s parents to learn to serve her, to meet her needs, to make her feel special, to live for her, to die to self for her.
As a young man lays aside self-indulgence, his dowry payment of selflessness shows to the world how highly he values his bride. And it doesn’t take a $10,000 ring for a bride treated like that to feel special.
(10) Couples should plan a wedding that will glorify God in every way.
A wedding that glorifies God is the most beautiful wedding that anyone could ever have! Make sure the music doesn’t glorify Satan by having a rock beat. Make sure that parents are deeply involved in what is going on. If possible, see to it that the members of the wedding party are committed Christians.
Did you know it doesn’t take a lot of money to have a glorious wedding? All it takes is a couple who wants to honor God. The presence of God is what makes a glorious wedding.
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PERSONAL TESTIMONY
I wish I could tell you that my oldest daughter and her husband never had another boyfriend or girlfriend, but I can’t tell you that. And yet there were some things about their relationship that were somewhat ideal. However, I’m not sure there is such a thing as an ideal. Why? Betrothing is a mirror image of salvation. So let me ask you, which was more ideal, your salvation experience or mine? Do you see what I mean? You think your’s is, don’t you? I think mine is.
There is as much diversity in what I am teaching as there are people in the world. Everyone’s experience in following this pattern that the Bible gives can be incredible.
My daughter Dawn had been away from us, and she had written me and said, “Dad, I want you to find my mate. I realize I’ll really mess up if I look.”
During February and March of 1991 I told my wife, “You know, I think we’ll find Dawn’s mate in the next six months. I don’t know why, I just feel like we will. We may not. But I feel impressed that way.” I traveled even more than usual during those months just to allow the Lord to cross our paths with the right young man if He chose to do so. We honestly had no idea that we’d already met him.
It was around the middle of August 1991 that our home telephone rang. When we answered the phone it was Daniel’s parents on the line. They said, “We’re wondering, would you consider Daniel for Dawn?”
I was shocked. My end went silent. The voice on the other end said, “Are you there?” “Well, yes. I guess I’m just stunned. I had never really considered Daniel for Dawn.”
Then they explained, “Well, you know we’ve thought about this, we’ve prayed about it, and we feel like our families are compatible. Our beliefs and standards are the same or similar.”
I replied, “Well, my first thought is that I don’t really know Daniel.” They said, “Well, he’s done some photography work for you before, and he’s coming to take your family picture on August the 16th. It will give you the chance to look him over.” “Okay.”
On August 16 Daniel walked in. We had said absolutely nothing to Dawn. Daniel sat down and started talking to her, and it wasn’t 15 minutes before she cornered her Mom in another room and said, “What is going on here?” Ha, Ha.
Daniel’s Dad called after Daniel’s visit and said, “Bro. Davis, what do you think? You had a chance to look him over.” And I said, “Well, you know, this is really your decision, not mine. The Father and Son together chose the bride for the Son. Then the bride has the opportunity to accept or reject.”
Of course you understand human nature. Dawn by that time was already feeling attracted toward Daniel. I told her, "Now you just keep your emotions in check. You be patient. It’ll probably be 3 or 4 months before we hear anything. And when we do hear something, it might be negative."
Three weeks later, we were in Iowa and Daniel and his Dad were trying to find us all over the country. Dawn anxiously waited in another room while I talked with Daniel and his Dad. I made notes on what they said to me so I could share the details with her later.
Then I made Dawn wait another 45 minutes till we could be with her Mom before I told her what they said! When the three of us finally sat down, and I began to tell that Daniel and his Dad felt Dawn was the one, things really got exciting! Dawn started crying and laughing at the same time. We were in a room like a motel room. Dawn was sitting on the bed, and she started bouncing up and down with joy.
I said to Daniel and his Dad, “The ball is in my court now.” And my response to you all is this, “I want to see Daniel and Dawn together a little more than I have previously to see what the intermixture is of their personalities, their temperaments, and so on. I’ve seen a little bit, but I just feel like I need to see them together a little more.”
September the 27th Daniel came over. On the 28th I sat down and talked to him for quite a while.
September the 28th...a Sunday night...in front of the entire church, during our handshaking time, our Assistant Pastor walked in the back door of the auditorium wearing a long-tailed coat, ringing a bell, and saying, “Hear ye, hear ye, a proclamation is made.” Daniel and Dawn were standing on the front row of the church, getting ready to sing a duet. They had no idea what was happening. Daniel turned to Dawn and said, “What in the world is going on?” Dawn said, “Well, we have a thing here that we announce when babies are going to be born. And there is probably someone who is going to have a baby and this is their way of announcing it.”
When Bro. Bryant reached the microphone, everything settled down long enough for him to read these words:
“Hear ye! Hear ye! An official proclamation is hereby issued: Whereas on Friday, September 13, 1991 a Father, one Ronald Williams and his son, one Daniel Eugene Williams, officially agreed together to ask permission from one S. M. Davis to enter a Betrothing relationship with the fair lady, Jennifer LaDawn Davis. Permission is hereby officially granted by the parents of LaDawn as of today for Daniel to enter a Betrothing relationship.
Mr. Williams is reminded that he should pursue this relationship as a high Christian gentleman who respects the authority of LaDawn’s parents.
He will be allowed in proper company to attempt to win the heart of his betrothed.
Should God give clear leadership, this Betrothing Relationship may culminate in engagement and marriage at some future date, which date to be agreed upon by all parties.
It was interesting watching Daniel. We got a picture of him lifting his right leg and thrusting forward his right arm and forcefully saying “YES!”
I sat down and talked to them both later and said, “You have our permission to develop the relationship, but we don’t want you to say, ‘I love you’, until we tell you.”
So they wrote back and forth, and they visited, and it was interesting watching Daniel come up with all these creative ways to say “I love you” without really saying it. He said: “I care for you very deeply.” “You’re very special to me.” “You’re a person whom I like a lot.”
Finally on Saturday, January 11, Daniel told Dawn, “I love you.” And on February the 14th we had to let her tell him that she loved him because two days later he was going to ask her to marry him.
So Dawn wrote a whole song just for him and surprised him by singing it to him during a practice time with just a few of us at the Church. They were practicing to sing another song, and she turned around and the first time she ever told him she loved him, she sang, “My love I give to you this day. Please understand that I’m pledging all my love to you, and by you I’ll always stand. From the very start you won my heart, my dreams came true. You’re my knight in shining armour, how could I ask for more than you?” She did a beautiful job.
Two days later they were engaged. Again, this was their choice. Daniel talked to me about how they might get engaged and they got engaged in front of the whole Church.
Dawn was expecting them to walk onto the platform and sing a song together. When they got in position, the pianist started playing a different song. Daniel turned and started singing to her a song entitled “I Truly Love You.” Then he looked at her and said, “Dawn, I love you. Will you marry me?”
At that moment I stepped up because Dawn was wearing a little ring that we had given her when she turned 13. It was a symbol of her trust and purity and relationship with us as her parents. So I stepped up and took that ring off and put it on her other hand. Then Daniel slipped an engagement ring on her hand. On June 26, 1992 Daniel and Dawn were married at a beautiful wedding at our Church.
So, that’s one illustration of Betrothing. Your story might be different than what I just gave. In fact, your story might be even more fabulous! For you and your family I’m sure it will be. Why? Why is Betrothing better?
3 - Betrothing bypasses the big dangers involved in dating.
Parents are supervising the time that young people spend together, so the threat to purity is done away. There is no threat to emotional stability because young people don’t have to worry about rejection.
4 - Betrothing is better because it keeps the priority on the right relationship.
I’ve seen young people who were cleaving before they were leaving. You might say that they cleft before they left! The priority relationship until marriage is the parental relationship.
Loyalty to parents is important because loyalty transfers over. For instance, here’s a girl who is loyal to her Mom & Dad. What’s going to happen when she marries a fellow? That loyalty will immediately, beautifully transfer over to her mate.
I was SO protective of my two now-married daughters that I think both of my son-in-laws thought, “That guy is going to run our home after we get married.” I kept saying to them, “Fellows, you need to understand something. Until the day you say ‘I do,’ I am totally in charge. But you also need to understand that I understand marriage. When you say, ‘I do,’ you’ve done it and she’s yours — hook, line, and sinker. And I won’t be running your life. If I can help you, I’ll help you. But she’s yours. And if she comes to me with a problem, I’ll tell her that you’re her husband. You and she are welcome as long as it’s alright with you.”
Of course, just like loyalty transfers, so does rebellion. If a young lady has a rebellious attitude towards her Mom and Dad, she’s probably going to be rebellious towards her husband.
Another advantage of keeping the priority on the right relationship is that it allows the parents the control they need to be creative and to make the relationship special for their children.
I told you some of the things that we did with Dawn and Daniel. Did you see how romantic that was? Now I’m not boasting here at all, and lots of those things we worked out together, but I want to tell you that all of those details they’d probably never have worked out by themselves. Do you know why? Hold on to your seat. This is a shocker. Since we were their parents, we had lived longer then they had! Our advantage that worked to their advantage was “the wisdom of years.”
Our other son-in-law and daughter, Duane and Andrea, didn’t want all that public stuff. Different people are different! That was fine. We tried our best to do what they wanted to do.
Andrea got engaged on the same day that my wife and I celebrated the anniversary of our engagement. Andrea and her husband now (her “betrothed” at the time), went with us on a boat cruise. No, it wasn’t a gambling cruise. It was one of these boat cruises where you have prime rib dinner and beautiful scenery, and so on.
So they went with us, Andrea thought, to take movies of us as we celebrated the anniversary of our engagement. Little did she dream that Duane had already bought her ring and was going to ask her to marry him. And Andrea is one of these people that you can’t ever surprise, because she always figures everything out ahead of time!
Well, we got the movie of Duane asking her to marry him. Andrea also didn’t know that she wore her engagement ring in her corsage that night! Duane said. “Would you take your corsage off?” And she said, “What?” He had just asked her to marry him so she was already in somewhat of a daze. Then he asked her to take off her corsage. You should’ve seen Andrea’s eyes when a beautiful diamond ring came slipping out of that rose!
Betrothing keeps the priority on the right relationship so that we were able to do all kinds of incredibly romantic and creative things. I challenge you to ask my son-in-laws whether it was really all that bad hanging around Mom and Dad so much. We let them talk. We allowed them to plan. We encouraged their love and commitment.
5- Betrothing puts someone in charge who can think more clearly. Luke 1:17 refers to "the wisdom of the just," talking about the parents. What couple do you know of, young or old, who get caught up in the emotion of love who think clearly? I’ve seen 70 and 80 year old’s with “goo goo” eyes!
I have a Calvin and Hobbes comic strip where Calvin says to Hobbes, “What’s it like to fall in love?” The tiger Hobbes says, “Well, say the object of your affection walks by.” “Yeah?” “First, your heart falls into your stomach and splashes your innards. All the moisture makes you sweat profusely. The condensation shorts the circuits to your brain, and you get all woozy. When your brain burns out altogether, your mouth disengages and you babble like an idiot til she leaves.” Calvin says, “That’s love?” Hobbes says, “Medically speaking.” And Calvin says, “Phooey, that happened to me once, but I figured it was the cooties.”
Parents usually think more clearly than do their unmarried children. A wise parent is going to want to know some things. They’re going to want to know what kind of daughter a girl is at home. Does she respect her Dad, help her Mom, and get along with her sisters? Is she a servant? Is she a hard worker? Can she cook, sew, clean house, and take care of children? Does she go into a frenzy at the sight of a dirty diaper? Is she loving and submissive to her parents?
How about the young man? The wise parent is going to be wondering: How does he treat his Mother? Does he have self control? Is he diligent? Does he know how to yield his rights instead of demanding his rights? Does the thermostat have to be set for him or set for others? Is he even tempered or does he explode when things don’t go like he wants. Is he polite, is he kind, is he respectful? Those are the things that parents are going to be looking for.
6 - Betrothing establishes and enhances communication between parents and children.
Do you know what has happened with communication in our day? It looks like a triangle that starts wide at the bottom and tapers to nothing at the top. Many parents communicate with children until they get into their teen years. But when teens start in the dating game the communication shuts off almost completely. I see that happen with so many young people.
What should communication be like? It should be like an upside down triangle. When children are smaller, there doesn’t need to be the depth and breadth and richness of communication that is needed as they grow older. If you do what I’m describing, instead of communication going up and then shutting off, communication will go up and expand and explode.
My wife’s and my experience with betrothing with our two oldest daughters was this: We found Betrothing to be the final thread that tied out hearts closely together and enhanced the communication between us to levels unknown when our girls were younger. It has also been a joy to see those levels of communication transfer over to their mates at marriage.
7- Betrothing solves the problem of getting “cold feet” and calling off a marriage.
Maybe you think that’s not a big deal. I want to tell you it is a big deal. The statistics say that 40% of all engagements are called off!
I know of a couple who were engaged and planning to be married. Then she got cold feet and called off the marriage. Then she moved in with the guy. Eventually they did get married. But then they have this baggage of the consequences of their sin that they have to take with them into marriage.
8 - Betrothing gives the parent the opportunity to see the virtues and the faults in a future mate and either encourage or correct them.
As the parents see the virtues in this future mate, the parent is able to give them praise. As they see the faults, they’re able to help correct them. A good parent is always working on their own child - studying them, teaching them, correcting them, and helping them change. But the best parent will miss something.
Before a marriage can be a very teachable time. There was built-in motivation for both Daniel and Duane because they wanted my daughters! It was amazing how well they listened to me because they knew they couldn’t get my daughter without going through me.
Who’s going to change a young woman or man after marriage? What motivation is there for them to change after marriage? Almost none. That’s also what I’m talking about when I talk about the dowry. This teachableness - they need to be willing to pay the price of you teaching them.
I remember one day when Duane came out to the house. I would have the guys come out whenever they could and spend time with me. The side benefit was that they got to see the girls! Duane was out helping me cut down trees and also cut up logs for the fireplace. We were walking back to the house after several hours of hard, sweaty, dirty work. Duane laughed, wiped his forehead, and said, “Thank the Lord, one more day’s payment on the dowry is made!”
9 - Betrothing helps establish a chain of counsel for couples for the future.
Getting married doesn’t solve all the problems of life. In fact, it creates some new ones that were not there before! Who is perhaps best to help and bless and challenge and lift and encourage? Parents who are wise can become some of the best counselors.
Let me make this clear. I’m not talking about interfering in their marriage.
I believe that what I’m about to say is a compliment to Daniel and Dawn and Duane and Andrea. I’m amazed at how much counsel they seek. I try my best not to interfere. I honestly do. I tell them all the time, “Look, it’s your marriage. But if you want anything, I’m glad to help any way I can.”
I don’t claim to know everything, but I’ve lived awhile. And I’ve studied the Word of God for awhile. And I’ve walked with God for awhile. And I’ve learned a few things about relationships and finances and legal things and decision-making, and so on. So these young men who are now my son-in-laws, whom I love like sons, come to me and say, “Dad, could you help me with this? Tell me about this. What do you know about this?”
10 - Betrothing keeps the emphasis on the will of God instead of on human emotions.
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PITFALLS IN BETROTHING
Here are some dangers you have to watch for:
1 - Failing to wait on God.
You feel like you just have to do something! “Oh, my! My son’s not married and he’s 20 years old. What am I going to do?!”
“Oh, my poor daughter’s going to be 16 an she doesn’t have a boyfriend! She’s going to be and old maid for the rest of her life! Oh! Everybody else is dating! Everybody else has a boyfriend!”
All you have to do is watch and pray and wait. Sometimes we say that children move to fast. I’ve seen parents who move too fast!
2 - The Parent’s feeling that the child’s mate has to be “perfect.”
My son-in-laws are not perfect. But that works the other way as well! Their father-in-law is not perfect either!
But this area tends to be a problem at first with a girl’s father in particular. We fathers like to protect our girls. And it’s like there is not a guy anywhere around who’s going to do as good a job protecting my little girl as I’ve done. Amen?!
I haven’t had any boys, but I’ve talked to fathers who did, and I listened to what they told me. Now there might be exceptions to this, but every father I’ve talked to said, “Bro. Davis, it was rougher giving my girls away then it was letting my boys go. It’s because I was the protector for my girls.”
Don’t look for perfection in a young man. Look for the direction in which he’s headed. If he’s headed the right way, he’ll wind up in the right place. If he’s teachable, you can help him get there faster.
3 - The Parent trying to get their child to break things off with one already betrothed.
You’ve already allowed these two young people to spend time together. They feel like they are God’s choice for each other’s life. You’ve given them permission to move that direction, and now you’ve suddenly changed your mind.
I want to tell you that what you have at this point is little better than dating, and in fact may be worse. You could devastate your child’s emotions. You may lose your child’s heart and forfeit any future opportunity to practice betrothing at all.
The Biblical example of betrothing is that it is a secure relationship. I’m not saying that a betrothing relationship can never be changed. NO ONE SHOULD MARRY SOMEONE WHOM THEY ARE NOT CONVINCED IS GOD’S CHOICE FOR THEIR LIFE! However, the only example you have in the whole Bible where a betrothing relationship was broken off was in I Samuel 18:17-19 where Saul had promised his daughter Merab to David. King Saul is clearly not the kind of man who can be used as a wise example. I’m not saying you can’t back out if you realize you’ve made a mistake. I am saying you better move very carefully.
4 - A Parent trying to do betrothing who does not really have their child’s heart.
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TWO COMMONLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: What about young people without Christian parents?
A: They can still seek the counsel of their parents, as God will often give protection and guidance, even through lost parents. They should also seek the guidance of their pastor or other Godly individuals.
Q: What about students at Bible College?
A: They could still seek to be a one man/one woman person by being friends with all and not becoming seriously involved with one person without the guidance of parents of designated Godly authority figures.
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HOW TO INSTITUTE THIS IN YOUR HOME
1 - Be fully convinced of the truth concerning Betrothing. “A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.”
2 - Parents should make sure they have or should take the steps necessary to get their child’s heart.
3 - Maintain active communication. Discuss all of this.
4 - The father should decide what will be the precise plan for the family.
5 - Children may wish to make a Betrothing Covenant. (Certificates are available from Park Meadows Baptist Church.)
6 - Pray regularly and earnestly for God to direct you to His choice for your child in His time. THERE IS NO SUBSTITUTE FOR PRAYER! Pray that God will not only keep your child pure, but that He will also keep their mate pure. Pray that your child’s mate will get the Biblical teaching and preaching they need in this area. Ask God to deliver you from faulty human judgment.
Just as salvation itself is a miracle, so a marriage that is consummated as a result of a betrothing relationship is also a miracle of the grace of God and an answer to prayer.
7 - Wait on God.
8 - Meditate regularly on the potential for happiness and success that may come from following God’s ways.
9 - Plan to rejoice in your old age!
I’m thinking right now about a pastor who once had a church running over 3,000 people and had a nationwide impact. He’s no longer in the ministry. A friend of his, who knew that preacher well, told me, "Bro. Davis, you remember him? He married one of the meanest women I’ve ever met. I saw her one day at his church chew out one of his staff members. When he walked up and tried to stop it, she started chewing him out. I was standing there and I thought, ‘I’m not going to stand here. I’m going to the car.’" He said, “I walked out, got in the car, sat down, and in a little while the pastor came out and sat down. With a heavy spirit, without even cranking the car, he looked over and said, ‘Brother, you saw what just happened. My mother wanted me to marry another girl. But she was a little bit heavy. So I married the beauty queen. The heavy girl has turned out to be a wonderful, sweet wife and mother. And the woman I married is a witch. If anybody married wrong, I did.’”
Now what that man did was not right. I’m not justifying it. I’m simply using it as a closing illustration. That pastor eventually left his wife for another woman and left the ministry. And the church that he pastored is a shadow of what it once was.
Everyone in this room with children will in the future have some kind of testimony concerning how your children got to the marriage altar. Could I ask you this? Will that testimony have a Biblical Basis? Will it show that you had faith and trust in God? Will it be as romantic as it could be because of the involvement of parental figures?
When the young people who are listening to me right now either live or on tape tell how you got to the marriage altar, will your testimony have the ring of Biblical truth about it, or will it have the hollow sound of man’s ideas?
I challenge all of you right now to make a commitment to follow the Biblical Pattern of Betrothing.
A person committed to betrothing is committed to the same things in human relationships that the heavenly Father is committed to in our relationship with Him.
To be committed to betrothing is to be committed to security rather than insecurity; acceptance rather than rejection; commitment rather than a lack of commitment; and the clear path of God’s will rather than the confused path of man’s whims.
Posted: January 1, 2005 03:01 PM
